Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Why couldn't God have taken Paul McCartney instead of Pete Burns?

Ding dong, lid - the G.O.A.T Scouser is dead. Pour out a little Stella for the singer partially responsible for the greatest duet in TV history AKA the only Celebrity Big Brother contestant who could out-peacock Dennis Rodman AKA Pete "Dragula" Burns.

Dismissed as an 80's one hit wonder who'd Frankensteined himself with cosmetic surgery until his trailblazing reality TV career took flight in the '00s, Pete The Meat was the recording artist David Bowie could have been if the latter weren't a poncey middle-class Cockney trend-hopper who pilfered sounds and cultures on some proto-Drake type shit. It could be argued that Pete from Bebington didn't have the same seismic cultural impact as Ziggy Stardust, but keep pretending to yourself that Dave from Bromley ever recorded a song as good as You Spin Me Round (Like a Record), fam.

We'll all miss Meryseyside's "brickie in heels", let's just hope he's slaggin' off Tracy Bingham with Jesus. As 'Pac nearly said, I wonder if Heaven got a still-lucarative Japanese market to exploit?

Monday, 24 October 2016

Green grow the rushes

"Playin' my hand, wanted to deal
Jordan was winnin', wanted to be him
Closest I came? Wearin' his shoes
Hoes see me, I'm swearin' they choose"

White Gzus ft. GLC - G Is For Green
(From Soundcloud; 2016)

When midwest pimp-rap meets Portishead-style mysteriousness. Lord only knows why this one isn't included on the new White Gzus 'tape because it bodies every song on there. Round of applause for Blanco Caine rhyming Medellin with the title of Project Pat's debut album - Da Capo best Rap couplet of 2016?

Saturday, 22 October 2016

Martorial Elegance # 87

It's been suggested that the reason XXL Magazine is able to stay afloat as a quarterly print publication is because its core readership is now AmeriKKKa's ever-expanding black prison population. Since there's no hard evidence that yer average blk guy doin' porridge gives a shit about who The Game was beefing with 4 months ago, here's another theory: the real reason XXL is able to keep its flagship magazine alive is because they continue to advertise Godawful menswear brands which no other rag on Earth would touch with a barge pole. Case in point from the 2016 Freshman issue:

Fair play to monstrosity number two above for managing to combine the disparate swags of Jeremy Clarkson and Mr. Marcelo in the same damn shoe.

Thursday, 20 October 2016

I be goin' in, what the f*ck is the exit?

All ya host has ever wanted since startin' this blog is a slap wot sounds like D-Lo blew new gas into C-Bo's Want To Be A "G". Props to the Cafe for locating the album containing that very slap:

"A young fly crip n*gga, R.I.P to Tookie
These suckers can't touch me, it's like I got the cooties"

Young Devi D - Young Fly N*gga
(From YouTube; 2015/Chess Not Checkers album; 2016)

This Young Devi D album sounds like it's got some joints, but pass me a scone because Young Fly N*gga is the jam. "You always tawm 'bout what you gon' pull out for the summer/that chevy look like you put Daytons on a dumpster!"

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

A recent-ish jams 4 u compilation (2016 volume 4)

Think about it, yo: a hole is both a thing and the absence of a thing. Plug up any metaphysical or metaphorical holes in your own existence with a zipfile thingy of ten tracks from the past few months that I've been feelin' since the last compilation of this type.

1. King Louie - We Like To Party
2. Tink - Aquafina
3. Jimmy Wopo - Walkin' Bomb Part 2
4. Yung Cat - Same N*ggas Who Popped Me
5. WNC Carlos - Keep A Glock
6. WNC Carlos ft. JMM Larry & SOG Sherwood Flame - Cross Me
7. Aminé - Caroline
8. Big Baby D.R.A.M - Cash Machine
9. Kap G - In The A
10. Uncle Murda - Cam'Ron Voice


Sunday, 16 October 2016

Rap songs that aren't on YouTube but really should be # 19

The song up for consideration: a Team deep cut from the same 2004 Richie Rich compilation J. Stalin's first solo slaps come from. The reasons this shit should be on YouTube for the world to stream: because it's one of the hardest quacks in the Team's catalogue, and it's the group's only track which sounds as comfy next to Fabolous' Can't Let You Go remix as it does to Mac Dre's Me Damac.

"Back to back, double cars
See me out with double R
Lookin' for that redbone, push-up bubble bra"

The Team - Gangster's Talkin'
(From Richie Rich's Grabs, Snatches & Takes compilation; 2004)

The postscript: did you know that The Team's rare 2002 debut album Beyond The Glory featured cameos from Nas and Loon? A feat that's all the more impressive since even Kay Slay's first compilation album from 2003 couldn't quite pull that trick off. Alas, neither track can currently be found on the 'Tube either - a huge pity because it's hilarious that Nas appeared on a song with yung Clyde Carson at the peak of his beef with lcd club-bangeur rap.

Friday, 14 October 2016

This is Afrobeats, baby, never techno

'Bout time the Treacherous Two of U.K Rapfrobeats Kwamz & Flava dropped some new shit, especially since the re-recorded video version of Takeover that's still gettin' play on urban TV here isn't a patch on the original. What could have been a clusterfuck of a label showcase for the Coast2Coast Entertainment roster turns out to be a slinky little anthem where everyone involved plays their position on some 21 Seconds type pithiness. Based On A T.R.U Story like 2 Chainz first LP: you can lose an inch from your waistline every time you grind a rug to Stop Stalling.

Kwamz & Flava ft. they mans - Stop Stalling
(From YouTube; 2016)

Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Generic list post: can you believe 2007 was damn near a decade ago?

It's dry out here for any new rap to my taste at the moment, so here's a generic list post of 2007's best rap songs as according to moi. Some were favourites at the time, others I've discovered in the years since, but all I still fuxwit in 2016. No order of preference because every song here is a beautiful snowflake in its own special way.

Max B - Why You Do That
ByrdGang - Life's Like A Movie
UGK - The Game Belongs To Me
Rich Boy - Boy Looka Here
Camp Lo - Black Hollywood
Rock D The Legend ft. Big Boi - DDT
The Jacka - Aspen
Husalah - Fighting The Feds
Dude 'n Nem - Watch My Feet
DJ Jazzy Jeff ft. Peedi Peedi - Brand New Funk 2k7
Tha Camp - 1 Rubber
Styles P - Kill That Faggot
Lil' Boosie - I Know
Foxx, Lil' Boosie & Webbie - Wipe Me Down (Remix)
A-Wax - Gatez
Grand Puba - Let's Go
AZ - Doin' That (Memphis Sessions Mix)
Gucci Mane - I Move Chickens
Turf Talk - Broke N*ggas!
KanYe West - Can't Tell Me Nothing
Consequence - Don't Forget 'Em
Trae ft. Slim Thug - Nuthin' 2 A Boss
The Cool Kids - I'm Mikey
Mic Terror - Juke Them Hoes
Soulja Boy Tell'em - Crank That (Soulja Boy)
Prodigy - Mac Ten Handle
Lil' Wayne - The Sky Is The Limit
Devin The Dude ft. Snoop Dogg & Andre 3000 - What A Job
Blaq Poet - Don't Give A Fucc
Shawty Lo - Dey Know

Monday, 10 October 2016

Rap songs that aren't on YouTube but really should be # 18

What kind of depraved world are we living in when Rock D The Legend's one moment of glory has been removed from YouTube? Sometimes you just have to marvel at rap music for being the only art form in the entire cosmos where wresslin' and the Halloween theme can be combined to such potent effect via a Purple Ribbon weed carrier & his guv'nor:

Rock D The Legend ft. Big Boi - DDT
(From DDT single; 2007)

Number one reason why Big Boi is so much more likeable than Andre 3000: the latter would have never guested on one of the best spin-off songs of the Crank That era. For that we should probably be thankful because in the unlikely event that Andre would ever partake in such crassness, he'd probably insist on his cameo being a spoken word intro about why wearing Nikes is bad.

Saturday, 8 October 2016

Everything I say is super-factual even if I'm talkin' supernatural

"I been dealing with the ghosts of 'em
Hit a play or two with most of em
Home invasion, they was so stubborn
Had to shoot 'em up, roll somethin'
Man, I must be getting old or somethin'
Thinking maybe it's the coke or somethin'
Something turned into a broken somethin'
Every time I get close to something"

A-Wax - Always Something
(From YouTube; 2016)

As stated previously, A-Wax videos were so much better before they became 3 minute motion pictures of him walkin' around various locales in slow-motion and standing on inanimate objects doing rap-hands. Nonetheless, I cannae be mad that the best song on Pushin' Keyz just got the visual treatment. As also stated previously, A-Wax always brings a little extra something when rappin' about being haunted by the ghosts of victims past.

Friday, 7 October 2016

I wonder if Heaven got a Datpiff and some soft-toe Reeboks?

Dearly beloved Louisiana rap fans, we are gathered here today to pay our final respects to one Frank Calhoune esquire, mercifully still breathing IRL but officially dead to us URL after rating Juvenile's Money On The Couch as the 2nd weakest song on Solja Rags yesterday. We come together in grief, acknowledging our loss as we did when Plum Drank removed his 2004 Gel And Weave blog post about Boosie from t'internet. May we share comfort in this time of mourning by paraphrasing the scriptures of New York's Leonard Da Baptist:

"Only thing I’m scared of is God and the Feds
Lost a lot of bloggas and they ain’t even dead
Money On The Couch is top 5 before it gets to the 1st hook
But f*ck the same page, Frankie ain’t even reading the same book"

(Uncle Murda 2:20)

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Martorial Elegance: Shatta On You edition

We're now into the vinegar stroke months of 2016 and west Africa's Ghancehall King Shatta Wale still has the flyest video outfit of the year. How did the entire global music industry get shatted on by some breh from Ghana in a custom fake Adidas trackie which somehow looks better than any real Adidas trackie since them leather joints Run D.M.C wore in Paris? Ayo whoever runs the Adolf Dassler brand nowadays - remove that KanYe West, homie (Bigg Jus™), and replace him with the artiste formerly known as Bandana From Ghana.

Shatta Wale - Bie Gya
(From YouTube; 2016)

Glad someone was payin' attention when I mentioned Shatta Wale earlier this year. Playlist needs Hol' It, though, because that shit is canonical to both Shatta Wale's discography and my own dabbling into Afrobeats.

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Generic list post: 5 fives

5 album cuts which really should have been singles:
Dru Down - Playa Fo' Real (1996)
UNK ft. Loko - Comin' Down Da Street (2006)
EPMD - Let The Funk Flow (1988)
Suga Free ft. Morris Day - She Get What She Pay Foe (2004)
Junglepussy - Bling Bling (2014)

5 legit jams by rappers I'd never heard of this time last year:
Boone - Pop A Perc (2015)
Yung Cat - You Ah Bitch (2016)
WNC Carlos - Keep A Glock (2016)
Brill 4 The Thrill ft. Plushh - Pay Me (2016)
Jimmy Wopo - Elm Street (2016)

5 rap songs from the past that I'd slept on until this year:
BallGreezy - Shone (2007)
Mac Dre - Pawns In The Game (1997/2014)
Cheeky Blakk - Keep It On The Real (1996)
The Jacka - Rule The World (2007)
Lil' Yase & Yatta - Get It In (2015)

5 legit joints by New York's least internet-trendy rapper:
Uncle Murda - Anybody Can Get It (2008)
Uncle Murda - I Just Shot Him (2009)
Uncle Murda ft. Rocko - Wu Wuu Wuuu (2013)
Uncle Murda ft. Keyz - Same Way (2014)
Uncle Murda - Cam'Ron Voice (2016)

5 more album cuts which really should have been singles:
Handy - U Ain't Stupid (2004)
Egyptian Lover - A Strange Place (The Alezby Inn) (1986)
Positive K - How The F*ck Would You Know (1992)
Mike Jones ft. Bun B & Lil' Keke - Know What I'm Sayin' (2005)
Snoop Dogg & Pharrell Williams - R U A Freak (2015)

Side note: A Strange Place (The Alezby Inn) did get a 12" release the following year in 1987, but it qualifies here because Egyptian Lover never shot a video for it. Shit coulda been the lesbo-erotic Rumble Fish to the Freak-A-Holic video's The Outsiders.

Sunday, 2 October 2016

Champagne Aki

Big Moe ft. D-Gotti - Purple Stuff
(From Purple World album; 2002)

Quick Zack Morris "Time Out!" from rap shit to inform youze lot that there's now a short BBC documentary about Purple Aki up on YouTube. He's been half man/half meme since the MySpace era, but once upon a time Aki was very much the Candyman-cum-Ken Kaniff of Merseyside. Between this documentary, season 4 of Wentworth, Pete Burns on Botched Up Bodies, and the CJ from Eggheads situation, 2016 is truly a new golden-age for TV.

Friday, 30 September 2016

Interrogation room I'm on mute, plus I'm senile

"I'm 16, got more money than your baby daddy
That's why I left a dirty condom in the car seat of the Cadi'"

J. Stalin - West Oakland N*gga
(From the forthcoming On Behalf Of The Streets Part 2 album; 2016)

"I don't want no Commies in my car" is a code to live by with regards to what gets play on your motor's stereo, but here at The Martorialist we're willing to make an exception for the breh breh babyface Stalin on those occasions when he's anchored by The Mekanix or DJ Fresh (or E-A-Ski & CMT if we wanna go way back to 2004.) Favourite slap tremenski by the 10th Street Tzar since Instagram Gangstaz.

Thursday, 29 September 2016

Generic list post: September 2016

Obligatory wrap-up post of those songs I've played most during the month when KanYe West and Kid Cudi argued about who wore skinny jeans first. The Cool Kids #actually predated everyone on this tip, and I'm 100% positive of this because of a 2007 message board thread about them where Will High was horrified to see rappers wearing tight kecks. That thread and the old Cool Kids MySpace page are long since lost to internet redesigns, but the Black Mags video from 9 years ago lives on as proof.

Slick Rick - Star Trek (1991)
King Louie - We Like To Party (2011/2016)
Tink - Aquafina (2016)
Ezale - Stop Come On (2016)
Yung Cat - Same N*ggas Who Popped Me (2016)
WNC Carlos - Keep A Glock (2016)
WNC Da Label - Who You Playing With (2016)
Big Baby D.R.A.M - Cash Machine (2016)
Tinashe - Company (2016)
Ty Dolla $ign - Stealing (2016)
DâM-FunK - Hazy Stomp (2016)
Spice - Siddung (2016)

Other notables: Mozzy's Messy Murder Scenes, Lil' Chris' Public Housing and DJ Quik's Black Friday are all songs I like but have to be in a certain mood for; Go Crazy is the only one of those 3 new T.E.C & Maine Musik songs I kinda dig and I'm far more excited about a possible sequel to Social Media Gangsta; Chinx's Crown Royal is the song French's Ocho Cinco should have been; Nef The Pharaoh's new mixtape doesn't deserve to be thought of a anything more than a bunch of songs which weren't good enough to make his album; Always Something has been my shit but the rest of A-Wax's new LP Pushin' Keyz sounds pretty stale and he should probably take a break from using Non-Stop as his main producer.

Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Breaking news: Yanks still mad that Fancy was the biggest rap song of 2014!

If there's one rapper who isn't allowed to take potshots at Iggy Azalea, it's the guy who took Kitty Pryde on tour and then fawned over Anthony Fantano with her. Get back in the car, Danny.

Remember when I wrote the best Iggy Azalea think piece of all time? I can hold you down like I'm givin' lessons in tying me Kangaroo, sport.

Tuesday, 27 September 2016

DāM, homie...

DāM-FunK - Hazy Stomp
(From Architecture EP; 2016)

This latest DāM-FunK track ain't exactly a brand new slap that'll park you like a Cadillac, but it's definitely the type of fonk Suga Free could spit gospel about puttin' birds on the track to. Some days, however, all you need is a lush groove that's free from other people's words and worldviews. Also see:

DJ Fresh - Interlude of the Funk
(From Ezale & DJ Fresh's Tonite Show album; 2016)

Am I correct in thinking that the DJ Fresh track sounds more like DāM-FunK than the DāM-FunK track itself?

Monday, 26 September 2016

I tink I love her

"Peepin' you and you peepin' me and I wanna give you this & some
Guaranteed that by the time you leave you'll be singin' 'bout it like an anthem
Would it be right, if I stay the night, give it all to you?
And I'm not in love, but I feel a buzz, it's what I wanna do"

Tink - Aquafina
(From Winter's Diary 4 mixtape; 2016

Capital C Choon alert. If you mentally change that "if I let you hit this cup you'll be saucy as Post Malone" lyric in the 2nd verse to "if I let you hit this cup I'll be sauceless like Post Malone" then Aquafine is the closest Tink has ever gotten to Waviness. The only thing more depressing than blk lasses sweatin' A$AP Folky is blk lasses sweatin' Milkavelli AKA the son of a banker-turnt-an unholy British hybrid of Yung Lean & Lil' Ugly Mane. Tumblr unleashed so many horrors which still linger in the internet's grubbiest outposts.

Sunday, 25 September 2016

So face reality, black, you're on Star Trek

Slick Rick - Star Trek
(From The Ruler's Back recording sessions; 1991)

Like Captain Caveman, Star Trek is one of those bugged-out concept songs Slick Rick recorded with Vance Wright for The Ruler's Back album which didn't see the light of day until the mid noughties. There's an also-unreleased Large Professor mix which tends to be considered the official version by yer boom-bap experts, but the O.G here is Hanna-Barbera boopity-boop shit par excellence a la all the best songs on The Ruler's Back. Truthfully, Quincy Jones could have remixed Star Trek with the sounds of Martian babes making first contact and it still wouldn't have mattered because there was no way Def Jam was ever going to release a song where Mr. Spock wanted to boldly go where Das Racist and Yung Gleesh went after him.